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Desperate Housewives


Desperate Housewives Season 6 Best Quotes

Desperate Housewives has some brilliant quotes each episode, so this season we're going to keep track of all the best ones!

Season 6, episode 23
Susan: If you don't get out of my face, I'm gonna ram this Thighmaster down your throat.

Season 6, episode 22
Orson: I am in a chair, not sure how good I'd be in a fight. This thing tips over in a stiff wind.

Season 6, episode 21
Carlos: Every time you offer me afternoon sex it's because you want something, and it's not afternoon sex.

Susan [to Mike]: Do you feel betrayed, humiliated? Good! Because I only did this to show you what it feels like when the person that's supposed to love you the most lies to you.

Mike: Why is there a big ass piano in our house?
Susan: Actually, Big Ass stopped making pianos. This is a Yamaha.

Susan: Come on, this is my chance! My aunt had a stroke while driving. When am I gonna get that lucky again?!

Season 6, episode 20
Gaby [on Bree]: You mean the woman whose parents named her after cheese? I like my robots to be more life-like.

Gaby: I thought maybe for a second that Susan Mayer lady and I might be friends, but then she started talking.

Susan: I have an expensive, worthless art degree that says I know what I'm talking about.

Barbara [on Eddie]: I always figured the only girl he'd end up with would be blind, deaf or inflatable.

Season 6, episode 19
Susan: Hi. I'm having a problem with Mike and his male ego. Long story short, can I clog your drain?

Carlos [on Gaby's eggs]: I pay for the clothes it wears, the massages it receives, and the implants it will one day require. If I don't own it, I'm at least a major stockholder!

Season 6, episode 17
Mike: Did you just say Katherine is a leprechaun?
Susan: Lesbian. Katherine is a lesbian.
Mike: Okay. The first one made more sense.
Susan: Apparently, the other night, Katherine and Robin got a little drunk...
Mike: Hold it. Robin?
Susan: Yeah. She's a leprechaun, too.

Tom: So, Paris, Prague, Madrid... it sounds like you guys saw everything.
Lynette: But you still haven't told us how you two met.
Preston: Well, uh, the first time I saw Irina was on a beach in Nice.
Irina: It was, uh, how you say in English? The.... (she gestures)
Tom: T-topless?
Irina: Yes!
Lynette: Oh, you really did see everything.

Season 6, episode 16
Lynette: Think of a world where the toilet seat is never up! This is our time to take them down!

Gabrielle: I haven't taken a nap since Juanita crowned.

Tom: How could you forget her birthday?
Lynette: I'm pregnant. I forget pants sometimes.

Season 6, episode 15
Robin: No-one judges the woman from the loony bin when there's a stripper next door.

Lynette: The next you take a shower, think you could close your blinds? I have a 16-year old son and he has friends.

Lynette: We'd hoped that it'd be another year before we had the parent-son conversation where we tell you not to offer your neighbor money for sex, but...

Susan: I'm just trying to help her get back on her feet.
Gabrielle: That should be a nice change for her.

Season 6, episode 14
Angie: We make sure they don't do anything stupid. Have you gotten Ana birth control?
Gabrielle: I make her spend time with Juanita and Celia. I was hoping that would do it.

Gabrielle: You know how Ana is dating Danny Bolen?
Carlos: I'm gonna kill him.
Gabrielle: And we have to be realistic.
Carlos: With my bare hands...
Gabrielle: Because they're not gonna listen to reason.
Carlos: And bury him under the porch.
Gabrielle: No, Carlos. What choice do we have? They're two teenagers who are getting seriously involved. Isn't it better to be safe than sorry?
Carlos: But giving them these is like giving them our blessing.
Gabrielle: And that's how I felt at first, but like Angie said, nature's gonna take its course.
Carlos: Yeah, easy for her to say. She's got the boy!

Bree: You will not be killing yourself! I will remove every knife, rope and pill from this house and, if I have to, I will be with you 24 hours a day.
Orson: Well, being bored to death wasn't how I was planning to go, but we can try it your way.

Lynette: Maybe we should think about seeing another therapist.
Tom: When we started, you loved her.
Lynette: Yeah, and when we started, I loved you too. Things change.

Susan: Moby Dick?
Robin: It's not what you think. It's about a whale.

Season 6, episode 13
Lynette: This morning you walked in and sat on the toilet while I shaved my legs. We have no boundaries.

Bree: Orson! How are corn nuts urgent?

Mrs McCluskey: Take it from the reigning odd duck on the lane, nobody cares about that silly stuff.

Gabrielle: My kids are my calling card. They're what I have to show for myself. I don't have a career, Susan. My kids are my job. And whatever happens, if they succeed or they don't succeed, it's because of how I raised them.

Season 6, episode 12
Lawyer: "To my dearest Susie Q. Who endured my infidelities far longer than she should have, years of cheating, betrayals almost from the day we were married..."
Susan: Can we just skip to the part where I get stuff?

Gabrielle: I don't understand. How could you not know you're Mexican? We eat Mexican food all the time!
Juanita: We eat Chinese food, too. Does that mean I'm Chinese?
Carlos: No, that just means your mother hates to cook.

Susan: You fantasise about other men when you're with Carlos?
Gabrielle: Honey, Carlos has been so many different men, I'm actually surprised when I open my eyes and it's Carlos.

Season 6, episode 11
Susan: If we are gonna put this behind us, I need to know about everyone that you've seen since we were married.
Karl: Everyone? I don't think this is a good idea.
Susan: Karl, I don't want to be wondering, when we go to a party or a restaurant, "did he sleep with her? Her? Her?"
Karl: Okay. Well, you found out about Brandy.
Susan: Yes. It was nice to put the panties with a face.

Karl: You're supposed to be catering a wedding.
Bree: Yes, clearly this is my fault. (the woman raises up) Courtney?
Courtney: I'm so sorry, Bree.
Bree: Really, Karl, my yoga instructor?
Courtney: No charge for next month, okay?
Bree: Like I'm keeping you! Get the hell out of my house.
Karl: She ... she's going.
Bree: I'm not talking to her!

Season 6, episode 10
Bree: For what is worth, I am sorry it had to end this way.
Orson: Me too. These scones you made are delicious. I'll miss them.

Tom: It'll be ok, I'm looking for a job, and in the meantime we've got enough money to live on for the next ... four months.
Lynette: So we'll run out right before the babies are born.
Tom: Yes. But remember, kids never miss what they never had.
Lynette: Ah, like food, clothing, a sober mother.

Carlos: Damn it!
Gabrielle: Whatever it is, I can explain.

Season 6, episode 9
Bree: Susan, I went into this with my eyes wide open. I know who Karl was and who he sometimes still is. But I believe him when he says he wants to change. And isn't that what you're supposed to do when you love someone?
Karl: Did you say ... love?
Bree: I think I did.
Susan: Bree, I have to ask you one question... Are you drinking again?

Season 6, episode 8
Katherine: Not only did Susan shoot me at point blank range, she trashed me to all my friends and neighbours.

Gabrielle: I'm been home-schooling my daughter and it's been a living Hell, so I tried to bribe someone to get her into Catholic school.

Season 6, episode 7
Gabrielle: Hey, cut her some slack. She's Romanian, okay? When your people are being chased into Argentina by angry cossacks, maybe a sparkling toilet isn't that important.
Carlos: Argentina? How about you stick to fractions, and I'll teach Juanita geography?

Lynette: She was pissed when I didn't tell her you might be pregnant. If I don't tell her about this, I'm dead.
Julie: Come on, Lynette.
Lynette: I'm serious! She already shot Katherine. Now she's got a taste for blood.

Season 6, episode 6
Lynette: (holding a worldmap) There you go, Gaby. It's kinda old. It's from before the Soviet Union broke up.
Gabrielle: The Soviet Union broke up?
Tom: You sure you know what you're doing with this homeschooling thing?
Gabrielle: Oh, honey, Juanita's in first grade. She'll believe what I tell her.

Season 6, episode 5
Mrs. McCluskey: Lynette, when you've needed a favour from me, have I ever let you down?
Lynette: Last month we needed a sitter for Penny, but you didn't want to miss Oktoberfest. And just last Thursday...
Mrs. McCluskey: Okay, new way in...

Karen: When Roy's spirits are drooping, the problem is global. You get the picture?
Lynette: Getting the picture isn't the problem. It's getting rid of it.

Susan: Oh my God! Katherine, the gun just went off. Are you all right?
Katherine: You tried to kill me!
Susan: Okay, I just shot you. Let's not be throwing accusations around.

Season 6, episode 4
Ana: I love him. Did you hear me? I said I love him.
Gabrielle: I heard you, I was swallowing vomit.

Gabrielle: Are you sleeping with John Rowland?
Ana: He's my boss.
Gabrielle: And the oscar goes to... not you!

Gabrielle: Ana bought condoms in what looked like a valu-Pack.
John: Wow. I had no idea she was that serious. I mean, I was only flirting with her... a little.
Gabrielle: Well, she's 17, so you're also flirting with on orange jumpsuit.

Season 6, episode 3
Bree: So, Candace, what do you do for a living?
Candace: I'm a dancer.
Bree: Oh, what kind? Jazz? Ballet? Lap?

Tom: Remember last time you were pregnant with twins? Every part of you swelled was like sleeping next to body that had been dragged out of a river.
Lynette: You said I was beautiful.
Tom: I had to. You were twice my size.

Season 6, episode 2
Tom: This is insane, how could someone strangle Julie?
Lee: I know, and on our property. It could have been me...I never had much upper body strength....
Bob: I'd love to say he means well, but...

Detective [to Ana]: Where were you last night at approximately 11pm?
Gaby: Oh I can answer that, she was in her room. We have a very strict 10pm curfew.
Ana: Actually, I was out.
Gaby: What? I saw you go into your room!
Ana: Yeah...and then I climbed down the trellis and I met a friend.
Gaby [to Detective]: Can I borrow your mace?

Season 6, episode 1
Bree: We can't do this. It's adultery!
Karl: Luckily we're both adults.

Tom: What's that smell?
Lynette: Despair. Mortality. Paralysing fear.
Tom: Oh. I thought it was waffles.

Katherine: Haven't seen you in a while.
Susan: Well, I've been ... using the back door a lot more lately.