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Jesse James - Source: BANG Showbiz -
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"It's all about the women," that's what the MSM is saying is the
cause of the
terrible phone fights between tattoo-sportin',
stripper-lovin' chopper-hopper Jesse James, and beautiful, tragic
Oscar winner Sandra Bullock.
Nuh-uh! Take a breath, kids. The fights are because America's most
disgraced man of 2010 has found a new identity, and new love with a
Tiger by the tail!!!
"Yep, Sandra's not happy," confirmed James to gay porn gossip site
stallions&bears.com
"But I was sick of all the lies. Me and the Tig-meister are doin'
it bigtime."
"I've achieved hugely," added the ex-world number one, "sportswise
and otherwise. Let me tell you there's nothing like
man-on-man."
"How 'bout winning the US Open next week?" asked his new
love-interest.
At this, they both laughed.
Interviewed by phone outside the barbed wire compound of a secret
rehab centre in Georgia, where both are undergoing treatment for
multiple addictions, both Jesse and Tiger talked of the emotional
moment when they realised their mutual passion.
It came in a group encounter session.
"I was doin' the whole, I-lost-my-Buddhist-way-yadda-yadda,"
recalls the globe's first sports billionaire, "and everyone was
buyin' it, cryin' and crap. But not Jesse. He had his big manly
arms folded. And he was just looking through me, y'know."
"I thought he had a pretty mouth," adds James, who denies that
Anna Paquin's confession today of bisexuality
prompted his decision.
"I loved the sh*t she did in The Piano," adds James, "but mostly,
what swung me was when that English writer dude Christopher
Hitchens admitted to tiddling around with boys when he was
younger."
Earlier this week, Hitchens, a gadfly presence in the American
journalism scene, had
made his own confessions.
"I loved his stuff on Iraq and God and whatnot," said James, "if
the Hitch could do it, maybe I could too."
Asked to describe his outfit, Jesse James said he was wearing a
black leather biker suit with SS epaulettes. He then painted a
picture of Tiger Woods in Nike trainers, and a bare white t-shirt
with the legend, "This Space for Rent, Call IMG".
The vibe between the two pariahs seemed affectionate, friendly, but
frankly carnal.
"My counselling made me realise I'd had enough damn women," says
Tiger, "I've always been about pushing boundaries, sportswise and
otherwise... And whew! Let me tell you Jesse really really likes it
rough."
Reached at the White House today, April 1 EST; President Obama
praised both men for their courage. "Coming out in a straight world
takes real courage. I commend these two for their honesty. Michelle
says I have nothing further to add."
It's been a tumultuous week for James, who earlier was shown in a
photograph giving a Nazi salute. Asked about whether race might be
an issue between the couple, given the colour of Tiger's skin,
James became confused.
"Wait. He's black?" said Jesse James. Then the line went dead.
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