I'm trying to catch a stoat. So far it's taken Bill, my bantam rooster, Mikki, one of his daughters and Duck-duck, one of his foster daughters whom he frequently shagged.
His wife, Pip, hatched the duck egg I put under her, so Duck-duck was one of the family. Incest is unknown in the farmyard, because animals don't possess the power of reason. The point of this little ramble in animal porn is to tell you that I have named the stoat New Act.
However, despite baiting the trap with mince, a fresh chicken leg (non-organic of course to attract an Act supporter), and eggs smeared with Marmite, the stoat remains at large.
Because New Act, that is the Act Party as it became under the reign of Rodney Hide and his band of Sensible Sentencing acolytes, latterly taken over by Don Brash/John Boscawen, should be lured down a tunnel trap and decapitated.
Or, to put it more delicately and in business terms which Act would understand, New Act should be put into liquidation. I said as much when interviewed some months ago on Perigo! which you can view on YouTube. The Act Party, I said to Perigo for his Stratos programme, would not survive a leadership change, and to date I am right.
Brash was just put up to this by the far right of the National Party, who were disaffected by what they saw as slow progress by Key. Those "it's all about me" seriously rich folk who want change in their own lunchtime. They're not interested in the future of their children, or their children's children. The more I meet seriously rich people, the more I dislike them. I think it's the fear of losing their money that makes them 'not nice' people to know, but they are boring, safe, and they don't know how to belly laugh.
Anyway, I digress. John Key must be rubbing his hands together with glee, as he sees Don Brash tour around New Zealand, hoovering up all National's embarrassments. There was that Clarkson testicle-clutching fellow from Tauranga. Now John Banks, whom Michael Wall's chief job when he was Bolger's press sec was to keep an eye on. Surely someone must be pushing Richard Worth and Pansy 'Sammy I Come Home' Wong in Act's direction too?
And there are others, just a Twitter away from Act's arms. One more Tweet and Tau Henare gets it.
Pity the Labour Party can't offload some of its more unpopular MPs on Brash - Clare Curran anyone? Three years as a completely unknown journalist then into PR and she thinks she knows all there is to know about the media. Oh that's right, to Clare, television is the media. There's no such thing as print media, she opines, as she strokes her metaphorical beard. Why hasn't Justice Jim Tucker signed her up to his prestigious Kiwi Journalists Association? Only the deadly serious may belong.
Speaking of serious, back to the Greens and Act. I've said publicly that Sue Bradford is a much nicer person than most people I know. When I was an MP I was asked by Sir Robert Jones who I considered - outside my own party - the most pleasant MPs in Parliament. Off the top of my head I said Sue Bradford, Sue Kedgley, and Tariana Turia. I guess those three came straight to my mind because they never played the personal shit cards.
Sue and I are on radio together now (Radio Live, 5.20pm Mondays), and she's much feistier, thank goodness, than she was in the House. I can fight with her much more.
But she's held inside what she really felt about the Greens, as she said, in case she was accused of sour grapes. So what! They always accuse, so you might as well speak your mind.
Don't, as Shakespeare said (I think) prune thou thy thoughts, but do, unto thine own self be true .
The Greens are making a fatal mistake now. Russel Norman is too ambitious for his own good, and Metiria Turei is eyeing those nice-to-have warm BMW seats.
If they follow what all the other small parties have done, that is, do deals with the ruling party, be it National or Labour, they will implode or they will die. The reason the Greens have maintained their support above 5%, consistently between elections, which is incredibly difficult, is because they have stuck to "being the bridesmaid". Accept the baubles of power and you die.
Think about it. Matthew Hooten put it irresistibly on State Radio this week, I admit, when he said suppose National wins, Key invites the Greens to form a coalition offering them Minister of Conservation and whoa! Mining! No Mining! Abolish the position say!
Take a long, long spoon because there's a long, long queue of National MPs who've stuffed envelopes and eaten plates and plates of Chicken a la King with frozen mixed veges at Rotary clubs before they got to Parliament because they wanted to be Minister of Bloody Anything and now they've seen it offered to Bloody Metiria Hooray! Or Russel With One Ell! Where's Mr McCully's Room Again? Have I got his number on Speed Dial?
Jim Anderton's party. Peter Dunne's party. Act. Maori Party. That's the Roll of Honour. Or Dishonour. Will the Green Party be able to hold out?