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Mix and Shake: A dealer goes to work - Source: Getty Images
Dear tvnz.co.nz,
Excuse me for interrupting like this but I have a favour to ask.
My name is Poker. I'm one of the oldest competitive games in the world and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind featuring me in the "Other Sports" section of your online publishing facility? Sorry to be pushy. It's just that this week at the SkyCity Casino in Auckland there's a little thing called the Festival of Poker taking place and it's actually quite a big deal to those in the know.
The smaller tournaments in the festival have already started but the main event takes place over a few days from Wednesday with a whopping $3250 entry fee. Nice eh? Some of Australasia's best players are gonna hang out at my house and it's not too late to enter either should you be feeling like I might be able to throw some luck your way this week.
Why do I claim this as a big deal? Well find me a prize pool in New Zealand solo sport that exceeds $1million, with the winner collecting more the $250k, and I'll find you err... nothing? I made that up but it sounds likely. To put it in context. Juan Martin del Potro only got about $80k for winning the Heineken Open. Tennis? Schmennis. I AM THE KING OF BLING!
Last year I noticed that you sent along tvnz.co.nz reporter Richard Beniston to see if he could qualify for the main event. Frankly I noticed that it didn't go too well. Ha ha. What a loser! Imagine thinking you're all that and being knocked out by someone from, heh heh, Woman's Weekly.
Look, I'll be happy to have him back this Tuesday to give it another crack if you just feature me on the website.
Why should you? Well here are a few reasons:
1. I'm a sport. Okay, that's a little bit tenuous. I'm more of a game. And there is a significant slice of luck involved. But that's the biggest misunderstanding about me. I'm not "all about luck" as some people say. I'm about calculated risk-management. If you reckon that I'm 70% luck then 35% of the time you're going to be lucky, 35% of the time you'll be unlucky. The other 30%? That's down to you. If I wasn't a game of skill then there wouldn't be tens of thousands of professional players making a very healthy living from me.
2. I'm awesome. Sorry but I am! There can't be many games out there that combine such beautiful simplicity with such fiendish complexity. A minute to learn me but a lifetime to master. You can play me (sometimes more successfully) with a few drinks tucked away. You get to play with your mates. You get to feel a little bit dangerous and not a little seedy. You can have a wicked night but walk away better off than when you started! Look, I've just got the chops okay?
3. I'm the sport of the people. The World Championship Main Event final table in November is a case in point. Only the best get to play for a US$8.5million first prize right? Wrong. This year sees the game's greatest player, Phil Ivey, up against a Maryland logger brilliantly called Darvin Moon (no laughing at the back) who somehow accumulated a big pile of chips over the first eight days of the contest. That tends not to happen in mainstream sport. It's the luck factor. Everyone has a chance to play me well on any given day.
So come on, give me a break! Sod ping-pong, and all that messing around in boats that you'd usually stick in your "Other" section. Go with a bit of romance, a bit of glamour and a bit of kerpow!
Yours sincerely,
Poker, x
tvnz.co.nz has agreed to the demands of Mr Poker and will be sending Richard Beniston along to Auckland's SkyCity for the media/celebrity event on Tuesday evening to see if he can better his frankly pathetic showing from last year . We doubt it frankly.
