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So, here we are. The Big Daddy of the awards season red carpet, the Academy Awards, is upon us.
A fashion faux pas might be forgiven at the Emmys or the Globes. (Might.) But not so the Oscars.
If I'm confronted today with another sea of starlets gussied up in varying degrees of nude-coloured gowns, I might just quit these live updates. Although the boss probably won't allow that, so I'll just whinge about it instead.
Alright, let's all hope for a bit of colour and that Helena Bonham Carter abandons her recent sensible dress sense. Here we go!
1:58pm: And that's the end of another Oscars red carpet. Darren Bevan has live updates of the Oscars ceremony for the rest of the afternoon. Check them out here. And we'll keep adding to the photogallery throughout the afternoon. Ciao!
1:56pm: And Natalie has gone with a dress in a similar deep purple to the monstrosity Scarlett Johansson is wearing. However, Natalie's dress is super elegant, with a bit of draping and a few jewel embellishments. Well played, Natalie, well played.
1:55pm: I hear rumours Ms Portman has decided to show her face. Stay tuned, red carpet fans.
1:49pm: I still see no sign of Natalie Portman. There's fashionably late, Natalie, then there's just plain rude.
1:44pm: Robert Downey Jnr, a personal fave, seems thrilled to be presenting the Oscar for visual effects later today.
1:39pm: Sandy Bullock is chatting to Ryan in her strapless red dress. Apparently it's the work of Vera Wang. Not bad, Vera, not bad.
1:38pm: Christian Bale's scraggly beard has got even longer and scragglier since the last awards show. Is he really going to accept his Oscar looking like that?
1:35pm: Not long until the ceremony starts. Where oh where is Natalie Portman?
1:33pm: Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing an uncomfortable-looking silver sleeveless dress by Calvin Klein. Lucky for her, she cannot ever possibly look worse than the year she won at the Oscars wearing that ill-fitting pink creation.
1:31pm: There's Penelope Cruz! That does not look like a woman who only recently had a baby. Hot damn!
1:30pm: Oh, now I understand why Keith Urban was standing in front of Nicole Kidman's dress. It is AWFUL. An unflattering shape, it also has some cheap-looking silver embroidered detailing.
1:29pm: Reese Witherspoon has opted for a black dress with a white trim. She's also rocking her best cheerleader bouncy ponytail.
1:27pm: Speaking of Penelope, Ryan is having a chat to her husband, Javier Bardem. As much as I love Javier, I need to get a closer look at Pene's dress. Where's she gone?
1:26pm: Sandra Bullock and new mum, Penelope Cruz, have arrived. (Not together, mind.) Both have chosen to wear red.
1:25pm: Halle Berry has turned up in one of those nude-coloured dresses I love so much. Hiss! She looks amazing all the same, but the woman could wear a paper bag and still look better than the rest of us.
1:24pm: God help us, Celine Dion has arrived. She is swathed in a tight white number with long sleeves.
1:22pm: Steven Spielberg has brought his 14-year-old daughter to the Oscars. I don't want to be mean to a 14-year-old, but she probably should have left the negligee at home.
1:20pm: I really need for Keith Urban to get out of the way, so I can see what his wife, Nicole Kidman, is wearing. Argh.
1:19pm: Hilary Swank is in a strapless, shiny, silver dress. She looks pretty. But nothing to write home about. Moving on!
1:18pm: Praise be, Helena Bonham Carter appears to be getting back to her kooky best. That is a whole lot of black velvet she's wearing. And is that a BUSTLE she's wearing?
1:17pm: From Tim Wilson on the red carpet: "Mila Kunis still on red carpet, 30 minutes after arriving... Working it."
1:12pm: I am getting another look at Marisa Tomei's '80s-inspired ball gown. It doesn't even fit properly, to add insult to injury.
1:11pm: I sincerely hope the lady on Justin's arm is his mother.
1:09pm: And Justin Timberlake is getting all deep and meaningful about Napster and Facebook. He's more than a pretty face, okay?
1:08pm: I am loving watching Giuliana Rancic and Kelly Osbourne find nice ways of saying they hate Melissa Leo's mirror dress. So terribly polite of them.
1:05pm: And here's the first of the red carpet photogallery. I think our sport producer who put it together has a bright future in fashion, yes?
1:00pm: Meanwhile, Marisa Tomei has broken out her favourite '80s prom dress. No, really.
12:58pm: Looks like Scarlett Johansson has been busy crocheting her dress for the evening. It also looks like she was so busy crocheting, she ran out of time to do her hair.
12:56pm: Ryan has managed to plug American Idol amongst all the film talk. That must be why they pay him the big bucks.
12:53pm: Cate Blanchett's dress has to be seen to be believed. She's taken quite the risk. Let me try to describe it (bear with me). It's lavender with a bit of gold detailing. It also has some sort of bizarre hoop circling her torso. I don't know if even Cate can pull this off.
12:52pm: I can't even believe how good Jennifer Hudson looks right now. Her dramatic red/orange gown screams Oscars. Screams it, I tell you.
12:51pm: Mark Ruffalo has arrived. I still don't understand why he's been nominated. Must have been a slow year at the Academy.
12:48pm: I'm trying to concentrate on what Ryan is telling us, but I'm too distracted by the tacky rose tattoo on the shoulder of someone just out of shot. Turn around, so I can heap scorn on you personally!
12:47pm: ATim Wilson tweet from the red carpet: "At the metal detectors b4 the red carpet, a tv producer surrenders 3 cans of red bull and a Blackberry."
12:45pm: Ryan keeps mentioning an Oscars Twilight rumour. Lord knows I have seen all the Twilight movies, and even I don't think our vampire and werewolf friends warrant a place at the Academy Awards.
12:41pm: Zachary Levi looks hot in his Gucci ensemble. I suspect a colleague of mine has a big man crush on Zachary. He'll be very excited "Chuck" has arrived.
12:40pm: Kelly Osbourne just said "boobs" on air. Cue lots of giggling.
12:37pm: Nominee Amy Adams has decided to go with a sparkly, navy gown. And even though her jewels are Cartier, I don't like them either. Blah, move along.
12:35pm: Michelle Williams - she's all shimmery and sparkly. The hair, the make-up and the Chanel dress are perfect.
12:33pm: I have spied Michelle Williams arriving with the wonderfully-named Busy Philipps, aka Jen and Audrey. Excuse me while I have a Dawson's Creek nostalgic moment.
12:31pm: Russell Brand has brought his mother, Babs, to the Oscars. They're wearing matching black. And he's given Ryan a big man kiss. Oo er.
12:28pm: Oscars performer Mandy Moore has turned up in a dress not too dissimilar from young Hailee Steinfeld's. Awkward.
12:25pm: Black Swan's Mila Kunis's lavender dress is barely covering her assets. I like it all the same. I just hope she has a lot of tape holding it in strategic places.
12:23pm: Fourteen-year-old nominee Hailee Steinfeld is wearing her best princess dress. She gets away with it because she's 14. (And it's SO much better than the outfits she's been wearing to other awards shows.) She's just told Ryan she "helped" design the dress. This explains much.
12:21pm: Because our news team is busy covering the Christchurch quake at the moment, I have one of our sports producers working on the photogallery from the red carpet. That should be interesting. Will post a link once we have a few more pictures on there.
12:18pm: Have been checking out Tim Wilson's Oscars Twitter page during the ad break. Did we deliberately choose a photo of him that looks exactly like a police mugshot?
12:16pm: Armie Hammer (great name!), who played the twins in The Social Network, has arrived. For just a second during that movie, I considered that it was actually twins playing the two roles. But then I figured there was no way I hadn't heard of twins who both looked like THAT before.
12:15pm: Oscars host Anne Hathaway just used the word 'parentheses'. I am IMPRESSED.
12:12pm: Nominee Melissa Leo has arrived in a dress made of mirrors. I think I almost want the nude-coloured dresses back. Almost. I was such a big fan of Melissa's until she took her own ads out to promote herself to the Academy. One word: Tacky.
12:07pm: Either they've stuck Ryan Seacrest on a box at the red carpet this year, or Josh Hutcherson from The Kids Are Alright is the tiniest young man in Hollywood. Teeny tiny Ryan is practically having to stoop to speak to him.
12:04pm: And again, we are speculating as to how actress of the moment, Natalie Portman, is going to dress her Hollywood accessory du jour, the baby bump, today. She hasn't put a foot wrong yet.
12:01pm: Future Oscars also-ran Jennifer Lawrence is first up. She's in a skintight red number. It just doesn't scream special enough for an Oscars nominee, I'm afraid. Even Ryan seems bored with it. And he's the world's most excitable man.
11.59am: ONE News US correspondent Tim Wilson
has gone one better than me and is actually at the Oscars red
carpet. Typical. If you feel so inclined, you can catch his
tweets from the red carpet here.
11:57am: I saw on Twitter last night that E!
Channel's Giuliana Rancic was getting her fake tan topped up in
time for the Oscars gig. And she really, really did. Hope Ryan
Seacrest has had his tan topped up too.
