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Jack Tame reckons it's better to be fat on the hydroslide. - Source: ONE News
You'll have to excuse the term, for it isn't very PC.
But generally, fat people don't move very quickly.
Fat people can't run fast or swim fast. They don't win marathons or compete to an international standard in the triple jump. If a fat person were to pack an extra-large parachute and jump out of a plane, they'd plummet to the Earth no faster than anyone else.
In short, being fat and being fast are attributes people don't usually have at the same time. Except, that is, on those joyous, wonderful summery thrills - hydroslides.
When I was eight years old, my competitive Dad went hydrosliding with me and it ended in tears. It was a lazy summer night, in the days when lifeguards didn't care too much about making sure people waited for a safe period of time before following their friends down the slide.
At the time I was probably all of 45kg. Dad was 85kg - not obscenely obese by any stretch, but at 5' 8" he was, by his own admissions, probably not in the shape of his life.
I got on the slide first, excited and keen and innocent. Dad was next in line, excited and keen and a little irresponsible. Sitting at the top I eased myself onto the edge and stared into the hydroslide's black hole. My togs clung to my legs and the water peeled around me. I pushed off and paddled at the water in a vain attempt to gain speed.
Dad said he'd give me a 10-second head start. Dad gave me a three-second head start. I accelerated mildly, limping around the slide's first corner. Dad accelerated wildly, sweeping and spinning through the first corners, completely out of control. On bend three, with a maniacal laugh, he caught me.
Tangled and confused, together we cascaded down the pipe. Limbs were everywhere. The water threw us around the final few corners and we hit the crash pool in a contorted mess. As we struggled underwater, Dad elbowed me in the cheek and I sprung from the water blubbering in pain and anger.
Dad looked a bit guilty. The lifeguard looked a bit angry. I imagine Mum probably was too. But as we slipped from the pool, one thing Dad said made it all better.
"What are you crying about, boy? That will be your fastest ride of the day. Don't you want to go fast down the hydroslide?"
Of course I did.
At Hanmer Springs they have just opened an impressive new hydroslide which the local council imported from Canada. Yesterday its queue stretched dozens of people long, consisting solely of excited-looking children and excited-looking dads. The lifeguard at the top was particularly safety-conscious and sensible and he made sure nobody would collide on the slide.
But it didn't take great mathematical analysis to see the kids going fastest were the kids who rode double with Dad. And the dads who went fastest were the dads with a bit of extra Christmas condition.
The bigger the gut, the bigger the splash... what a nice change to see fat guys finishing fastest.
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