Parenting: When You Don't Like Your Child's Friends
Rachel Goodchild is a parenting and education
specialist. She's worked as a nanny, teacher and lecturer and is
the author of over 25 educational titles.
It's finally happened. Your child has brought home the friend from
Hades, and you're not sure how to cope. As a parent, you've always
known this day would come eventually, but now you have to figure
out how to cope.
Before you make any rash decisions or sudden movements, however,
stop and assess the situation. Your child, and your dignity, will
thank you. After all, you want to take the time to make a good
decision, instead of jumping to conclusions based on rumors or
first impressions.
First, ask yourself what you don't like about your child's new
friend. Are they whiny? Belligerent? Do they have tattoos,
piercings, and a strange hairdo? Take the time to figure out if
your dislike is founded, or if it is simply a matter of
prejudice. Is it based solely on their apperance, or do they
have character traits or values that you dislike? Are you worried
about them influencing your child, or do you just not like their
mannerisms?
Look at this as a fact finding expedition - be honest with
yourself about why you don't like this person. If necessary,
discuss it with your partner or another objective party. They may
not see the situation the same way that you do.
Next, decide if it's a deal breaker. Is the new best friend a
member of a hate group or professing other values that go against
your family's? If so, you may want to take time to sit down and
talk to your child about why you have issues with them interacting
with them.
While you need to allow your child the option of choice, you also
need to ensure your own personal boundaries are not compromised.
Talk to your child about what they find appealing about that
friend. Place behaviour linked consequences around thier new
friendship (spend time with them, but if you do anything against
the law, or I feel you are going to harm someone, I reserve the
right to remove you from places hwere you may be interacting with
your friend.)
However, if it's more along the lines of "Oh my goodness, I can't stand her squeaky voice", you may just have to learn to adjust. Rationally assess the situation, and decide if you feel that your child is at risk. If so, take action. If not, you may have to tolerate their new friend a little longer. Try to treat your child they same way you would like to be treated.
Take the time to get to know your children's friends. Whenever
possible, invite them to your home (yes, even if you can't stand
them). After all, it's better to have them gathering under your
watchful eye than running around getting into trouble.
If possible, get to know their parents, as well. Introduce
yourself to their parents or guardians before allowing your child
to visit their home - this is an excellent way to prevent them
leaving your child without supervision.
Be openminded about your child's friends on the small issues.
However, keep in mind that there are some times that you should
always intervene. If the crowd your teen is hanging around with is
into sex, drugs, or alcohol, you may want to use your veto power.
If there's an odd power dynamic and you feel your child is being
manipulated, you may want to take action.
With bullying and cyberbullying on the rise, be sure to keep a
close eye on your child's behavior. Be sure her friends really are
acting as such, and if they aren't, alert school officials or the
authorities. Don't let your teen be manipulated into going against
his or her better judgement.
Lastly, keep in mind that you get to make the rules in your own
home. If you simply don't feel comfortable with one of your child's
friends, trust your instincts. Set clear guidelines and limits,
with consequences if your child disobeys. You have a gut feeling
for a reason - use it as necessary!
