Parenting: A happy child in a failed marriage?
Rachel Goodchild is a parenting and education specialist. She's worked as a nanny, teacher and lecturer and is the author of over 25 educational titles.
Of course none of us set out to have a failed marriage. For many of us the concept is as foreign as anything, with a situation that goes against our core beliefs and hopes. And in the middle is our children. When a marriage breaks down, they often place the blame on themselves. There are ways we can minimize our children's pain and help them and ourselves have a "happy" divorce.
When a marriage falls apart it is devastating. When a marriage with children in the mix fails, it is earth shattering. We as parents become consumed by our own guilt and grief and it often becomes impossible to remember that our children are caught in the middle. We lose sight of something wonderful that the marriage created, the children. So an important aspect of a failed marriage is helping our children cope and helping them to remain happy through all that may come.
Children thrive in a stable and consistent environment and it is
key to keep things that way when a marriage fails. Doing our best
to ensure our children's lives are as minimally affected as
possible will help them to overcome and be happier with the end
results. This can be difficult in times of divorce, but above all
the needs of securities of the children should be a top most
priority.
Keeping them in the same schools, so that they have the same
friends and home can be one of the most effective ways to help our
children cope with the changes around them. Moving and changing
schools is a very stressing event in a child's life, and adding
divorce to the mix can make it a very traumatic experience. Instead
opt for the parent who will have main custody of the children to
remain in the family home if possible so that the children are
affected as little as need be.
Talk to your children about what is going on. Don't keep them in the dark. Children are a lot smarter then we often give them credit for and breaking the news to them in an age appropriate manner can help ease the troubles. If this means talking it all out to our teens or reading a book about divorce to our preschoolers, it is something that needs to be done.
Reassurance is also vital. Ensuring that the children do not feel they are to blame is a huge part of a successful separation. Nothing is more hurting to a child's emotional well-being then feeling that they are to blame for mummy and daddy not being together anymore. And it is also important to ensure to reassure them that neither parent loves them any less. They are still loved and cherished by both parents; it's just that mummy and daddy don't get along anymore.
Teens understand more what the situation entails, whereas a
preschooler may spend time at the door for mummy or daddy to "come
home." Ensuring that their feelings are heard and that we help them
to cope with them, even if it means at times seeking professional
help, is essential. Relationships breakdown everyday. It is how we
cope with them as adults and how we treat each other and our
children in the process that will make the difference to the
happiness levels of all involved, when all is said and done.
