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In for an Oscar: Arsene Wenger worries about Ronaldo - Source: Reuters -
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Football is a funny old game so in a new column TVNZ.co.nz's Sarah Williams takes a satirical look at the football week that was....
Beckham finally extends stay at Milan, kind of
After weeks of will he, wont he speculation, we can all breath a sigh of relief as David Beckham has almost signed on the dotted line for AC Milan, hurrah!
In football's most boring story since Ronaldo didn't sign for Real Madrid, Beckham and Milan have agreed to a 'timeshare deal' (making it sound like he might be on for some sun, sand and Rebecca Loos at a mates Benidorm holiday home rather than signing for a Serie A club)
Beckham will stay at Milan until the end of the Italian season. He will then rejoin LA Galaxy before returning to Milan at the end of the year. It is believed that Becks may have to give up his penchant for expensive sarongs in order to fund the deal, ouch!
Ronaldo takes one for the team
Brazilian striker Ronaldo's (the fat one) return to football was marred by an ugly media scrum this week that saw the former football hero smacked in the eye by an overzealous journalist's microphone.
The incident occurred after Corinthians' 2-0 win at Itumbriara where Ronaldo actually managed to stay on the pitch for more than five minutes, amazing.
After the match Corinthians coach Mano Menezes told reporters: "He had a good debut, moved well and tried a few dribbles," although conflicting reports suggest it was the nachos someone was eating in the crowd that Ronaldo was dribbling at - not the ball.
Cole gets done
In this weeks footballer's gone mad, it was Chelsea's Ashley Cole's turn to get done.
Cole was arrested early on Thursday morning on suspicion of being drunk and disorderly and refusing to tone down a potty-mouthed rant aimed at the police, leading the Telegraph to pose the question ' Does Cole represent all that's wrong with football? (here at tvnz.co.nz's football department we actually think its fluro yellow football shirts that is everything wrong with modern football - but that's another story).
After the incident Cole was fined an astounding 80 pounds and received the hard word from new gaffa Guss Hiddink who said "Ashley went too far. I am a strict disciplinarian - I tackled him on his behaviour." If only Ashley could try one of those once in a while?
Rafa blames Torres for Liverpool's woes
In part seventeen of Rafael Benitez's hilarious excuses as to why Liverpool threw away their best chance at a league title in 19-years, the Liverpool boss managed to lay the blame on star striker Fernando Torres.
"The worst thing has been the injuries to Torres," Benitez told the BBC on Tuesday. "He is our striker (er, obviously!) He scored a lot of goals for us last season and this season could have been totally different with him."
Er no Rafa, the reason you lost the league is; Lucas, too many draws, Lucas, your crazzzzy sub selections, Lucas, selling the spud with eyes back to Spurs before getting in another striker, Lucas, Alex Ferguson, Lucas, that mingin grey away kit, Lucas, your beard, and, er you.
Wenger kisses Ronaldo's Arse-n
Not content with boring on about his own side getting kicked about by the Premier League's bigger boys, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has come to the defence of Ronaldo (not the fat one)!
Apparently Wenger believes dangerous tackles are on the rise in the Premier League, and he fears for the likes of the poor weak and defenceless Manchester United star.
Ronaldo is not bothered though after recently finding out he is in Oscar contention for his part in new film entitled 'The Diver.' The epic is due to be unleashed around May the 27th should United make it to the Champions League final in Rome.
Other important stuff....................
Michael Owen is set to be back for Newcastle United in the hopes of scoring goals in their fight to not get relegated. British bookies have now stopped taking bets on whether Owen will actually make it to St James' Park or if he will injure himself getting out of bed - probably.
Spotted
This week Lilly Allen (wearing ridiculous oversized fluffy dead cat on head) took time out of her nights on the town with Lindsay Lohan to watch Fulham get thrashed four nil by Manchester United in the FA Cup.
'Arry Redknapp quote of the week
Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp is hoping Ledley King will be back in defence after missing Wednesday's 4-0 win over Middlesbrough.
King, who has an ongoing knee condition, played two matches in six days last week, but Redknapp said: "His problem is he cannot do it on Saturday and midweek."
That's funny cause we didn't think Ledley could even do it on a Saturday.....
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