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Charlie Sheen - Source: Twitter -
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An Open Letter to the People of New Zealand from Charlie Sheen.
CNN, NBC, ABC, TMZ, now TVNZ! Yo, whassup, mates?
So they took my kids away. You make one little crack to their mom about cutting off her head and mailing it to her mom, and boom! The Five-Oh's at the front gate of Sober Valley Ranch, and all hell's breaking loose.
Let's face it, it ain't the craziest thing I said this week.
Anyhoo, I got some more kids round here somewhere. Maybe I'll get The Goddesses to stand in for one. Ugh, no, that's weird. Or is it? I got my own rules, man. Tiger Blood Rules. F-18 Rules. Fire-breathing Fist Rules.
Sorry Middle-America, it's just me Charlie Sheen, bi-winning again. And doing Charlie Sheen.
I'm doing an ass-load of Charlie Sheen. I'm honking goddamn Charlie Sheen up my nostrils like a coke slave on the last night of Charlie Sheen. And it feels good. Real, y'know? Fine cut, pure flake me. Me is the cancer of you, btw. Wow. I should write this stuff down!
Oh, I am writing this stuff down. Sweeeeeet!
I'm so far ahead of the game, man. See, you can't satirise the dude who satirises himself. I'm like auto-satirising now. I'm serious and I'm not. I'm in two spots at once. (Yeah, the only thing better than me: 2 of me.) Like, I'm super-serious, but I'm also neutralising all the losers with my Vatican Assassin Super Satire. Bi-winning, again!
Mel Gibson called me up. There's one awesome dude. A philosopher.
Know what else I know? Soberness is cool! Blow blows, man. I've found something better than Bolivian Marching Powder in a Gucci bag. Not blow; ego. My superconductor-triple-platinum-numero-uno-jam-bitchin' ego. I'm freakin' golden, mates! I'm here, in my underpants, with a cup of coffee, and I'm so winning, what with my show being cancelled and everything, and now being on Twitter.
This is just the start. That's the best thing about all this. They're repeating 2.5 men and it's killing in the ratings. The residuals will buy me another plane. Promise you. This time next year, when I totally rule the galaxy, and they're handing out Charlie Sheens at the Kodak Theatre, and Best Picture is replaced by Best Three Way, you'll say it again. Pass me some more of that Charlie Sheen.
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