Welcome, gentle readers, to an event irregularly staged but closely watched. A contest of two blockbuster stars!
In one corner, weighing in at around 200 pounds, and with a head like a cueball, the hero of the Diehard franchise, etc, Bru-hoooo-cee Willlisss!
And in the opposite corner, otherwise known as Jason Bourne (though not starring in the next Bourne pic), Maaaaaahhhhhaaaattt Da-mon!
Today we settle it. Once and for all. Which of the rough-'em-up brigade has the best manners? Let's... get... ready... to crumble!
Round one: We're at the Four Seasons Hotel in midtown New York. It's some pretty nice digs. Rates run from $US955 for a moderate room. Pony up another hundred or so, and you'll get a superior room. I think that's what you call a "No Brainer."
Bruce Willis is seated beside New Zealand actor Karl Urban, who has been described to me as the Mick Jagger of the comic con (comic convention) set. But Willis is the one to watch.
"Did you see him on Good Morning America?" breathed a fellow-hack earlier.
"No."
"Ooooooh," says the fellow-hack.
I test-drive my first question, "Mr Willis, given your somewhat modest career, it must be a thrill working with New Zealand's lead thespian?"
"Yes," said the movie company publicist, "He'll like that."
Of course he will. Before finding a career as the man who beats up baddies on big screens, Willis starred in a telly show called Moonlighting. Wry, amused, and always amusing, he played a bartender in New York City.
Surely in person he'll be funny! Mentally agile! And Karl Urban will be droll in that low key New Zealand-y way! Ah, the witticisms will buzz like fruit flies on sherbet.
So, question one: "Bruce Willis, given your somewhat modest career..."
Softly, almost peevishly: "Yes... I was very pleased when he said yes to the project."
Cut to Round Two: A lesser hotel not far from the Four Seasons. A bespectacled man sits in a pool of light. An Australian journalist called Fifi has forgotten her bag, and is taking some time leaving. Matt Damon banters. He wants to talk about rugby.
"I hear I'm not allowed in either Australia or New Zealand because of Invictus," he says, referring to the movie he starred in about the 1995 Rugby World Cup.
I say, "You mean that tissue of lies you were associated with?"
Damon smiles.
You know how it ends, right? Damon wins. Amusing, and willing to be amused, he was the soul of affability. Bruce Willis stirred himself eventually. He asked what kind of boots I was wearing. We joked around a little. He smiled, but he seemed heavily burdened.
The rules of general engagement say that you should never pity a man staying at the Four Seasons, much less an action star doing so. But sometimes you can.
Read more of Tim Wilson's articles.
